After a cocktail of pills and snow yesterday–everything went south. I should be angry and upset, but I’m not. I think it’s the amount of things I need to get done before I go that’s keeping me form caring. The funny thing is I’m not even anxious about going home- yet. I say yet…becasue sometimes I have a delayed sense of feeling. Like I’m in denial. It would be funny if I got home and then felt anxiety several days after the fact. Maybe it’s practical. I have to get x, y, and z done before I can get there. So, why waste the time if I need a strong face before? Ever been there? Why get all freaked out- when it’s not time?

Intimacy of the day: I’m scared I will get kicked out of my program for missing three days.

Hopefully, they will have mercy upon me. I haven’t missed a day for fun- I was and will be traveling. I’m missing 4 days total- one extra day. Merg.

Random thought- I need to think of how to answer the following questions without lying and without revealing anything too personal.  Any suggestions would be helpful. I know I’ll have an array of these thrown at me when I get home. What would you say?

How are you doing?

What are you doing?

What will you be doing when your done?

Secret of the Day: I keep daydreaming at night.

I’m not sure if it’s leaking into fantasy and escapism or pondering realities. I think about home and when I’ll be there- and I play scenes in my head. I’m sure you’ve done this. Conversations or activities with real people, imagining the outcomes. Is this a safe activity? I’m not sure. It’s hard to define home though. I wish I could make home all those wonderful things that are delicious and protected and warm; but that would be a real dream. Home does composite some of those aspects but not all. My anxiety does ramp up at times when I think of home. The questions I’ll be asked….by everyone. I fantasies about hanging out with a friend and them not asking me questions. I wish I could go home and just be. Just be me. Not try to live up the expectations of everyone. Not try to be fake or have the right answers. I want to just be present with people I care about. Them not manipulating me and me not manipulating them. When I go back home- it will happen. I’ll attempt to be- but people will pull me into their games. Then it becomes dangerous for me. That’s why I’m only going for a short while. Dangerous for many reasons. Not like life and death; but more like soul life and death. I’ve worked so hard to stand in the confidence my Creator has designed for me- and I don’t want to get knocked out of that spot. Just let me be what my Creator has created me to be. Let me be. That’s all I ask.

Intimacy of the Day: I love my outfit today.

A compilation of leggings under gauchos, with white tank peeking out from a black long sleeve. Added scarf and hat! I couldn’t find the right shoes- apparently even though they from H&M, no one online has a pic of them. They are lace up in the back, flat slouch ankel boots, that zip up on the side. I love them, but I’m wearing them out fast.

I consider myself to be an artist- creating. But this artist needs structure. it’s difficult for me to create out of nothing. A blank canvas actually scares me. An essay with no prompting terrifies me. A forest gives me the sense of anxiety. Too many choices. I can’t make up my mind- often times I’m indifferent. I like structure.

Intimacy of the day: I enjoyed watching the shadows of the clouds passing the sun, and the reflections bouncing off my white bedroom walls this early morning.

When I say early, I mean 11 am. I purposefully, knocked myself out due to physical pain- and woke up around 10 and stayed in bed til 11. Last night I fell again- same place, you know the same place with the nerve damage. Right now I have a ugly huge swollen hematoma. Blood bruise, in other words. I cried last night- 10 minutes after I fell. Not because of the pain- which i have a very high tolerance for. But because I was so angry at myself. I am so angry i can’t even control my steps. I fall, again and again.

This is symbolic- for my life. I fall, again and again. Why can’t i learn from my mistakes? I get these ugly bruises that show my pain and I still don’t learn. It’s like I can’t pick up my feet in time to save my skin.

I am thankful…..after I woke up and lingered a bit I went downstairs…and saw the same shadows again. The same shadows playing on different walls again. This time it was darker, the flickering of the lights controled by the wind pushing the clouds was quickly dissipating. I wanted to put that sequence into my pocket and carry it around. To take out when I needed some inspiration. I just would watch it. Mesmerized and haunted at the same time. The affects of an effect. Who controls what or what controls what or who controls who? I can’t even control myself. I am powerless. And most days I’m ok with saying that.

I don’t mean in the sense that I’m naturally a loud person. I mean it in the sense that it is actually difficult for me to shut up, when I need to the most. I have a problem with boundaries. I’m trying in this time of healing right now to delineate what is too much to share and what is enough. I’ve been on the polar opposites from guarded and in control to a vulnerable victim. I don’t want to be either. I want to be me- the person who the Creator has created me to be. Ya dig?

Intimacy of the Day: I only ate the chicken from the chicken curry today.

I know. I should be grown up enough to eat the whole thing- but I didn’t. I’m a picky eater. I’ve been telling my chef friend that starting January I will start to try new foods and culinary delights that I have despised for years. So, it’s not January yet- I still have one more month-ish to snub my nose at those horrible horrible foods that reek of smell or unsatisfying texture.  Have you ever done this before? I’m sure you hate some type of food. Have you trying anything new lately? One more month- I’ll be sure to blog about these new experiments. lol

Peace- for tonight.

Intimacy of the Day: I wish I could cuddle with someone but not take advantage of me.

Is that so much to ask for?

This was my crazy dream last night; the cast of CSI: Las Vegas mixed with the cast of House- shooting at people in a terrain that was concrete, steps, and large metal objects that moved. We were all shooting at these crazy “bad” people. They were dangerous, and one girl was stupid- on our side. I just remember bullets everywhere. I remember holding a handgun and feel the bullets rattle inside (not sure if that’s actually possible).  People were shot, but I don’t remember anyone dying.

Then my alarm clock woke me up.

Speaking about those intimacies

Forgetting Precious, hearing screams

Screaming along to yearn

Yearning to stand the silence

Here is another talk

This time in public

Awkwardness and foolishness

But moving on, no hurts

No apparent hurts

Speaking aloud- projecting with coins

Stealing, giving, and taking

The glitter kills my eyes

I squint at the abuse language

Down the medication

Turn off the heat and crawl

Crawl into dreams of serenity

Hoping mentors won’t be monsters

Texting and alarms distract always

But I cling to the sounds they make

Admiring halos of saints

The golden arch of something

Grasping for direction

New directions sing aloud

I stand and do not sing

I watch, observe and take notes

Organizing the lines and colors

Capturing their discernment in time

They are there waiting

I’ll be there

I’ll get there

Not today, but tomorrow.

My whole day was ruined due to the night hours preceeding. Events occurred as this: throat glands became slighty sore (I was aware, but thought it might go away), found out that my insides were producing high levels of hormones and that made me crabby, also found out some of my friends whom I trust dearly might be leaving the state like in the next month, went to bed- oh- and never got to sleep; but still was able to dream during one small part of the night, but it was a nightmare about my neighbor committing suicide in front of me, woke up in a fright, alarm went off for morning- glands were more swollen- attempted to go down stairs to get a bottle of water; then proceeded to fall down the entire flight of stairs (luckily carpeted), grabbed the bottle of water and thence decided to give up on the whole day- not finish the work that was due in the morning; and sleep and rest.

Ahg…..basically a horrible morning physically. I currently feel—more than 10 hours later, like my body was ran through the washer and dryer cycle. I’m taking tylenol pm right now.

Intimacy of the day: I stayed in my pajamas the whole day and I even was slightly social for an hour with real life people.

I think I bragged about my pain- mostly because falling down the stairs, gets a great reaction from people. Its true, and I really do hurt. No lies about that- but I did tell a lot of people about it. slightly for the attention.

Is that bad? What do you think?

Hoping I don’t have whiplash- maybe I’ll see the doctor tomorrow.

Well, he never showed up. And my day was actually good. Imagine that! Getting up early, and having a pleasant day all due to the fact I didn’t see this fool.

Intimacy of the Day: I learned that in my childhood I did wierd things and made up stories, even in high school-and a lot of it had to do with unanswered questions.

I’m trying to connect the dots- and I want to brood over all the little details and categories and systematically explain everything that happened in my past. And guess what? I can’t. All these little discoveries keep bubbling to the surface and what am I supposed to do with them now? Gahrah! Can’t I just move on and ignore…..oh wait, i’ve done that my whole life. I’m over that phase- time to move on.

Confront your pain. Confront your suffering. Don’t run or be afraid. It may be uncomfortable and it will hurt- but in the long run: your actually dealing with it and not shoving it down or numbing it. Surrender. Surrender it to your Creator. The Creator is good- and feels your pain. The problem is- pain exists right now, and it’s real- so face it, surrender it, and move on. In the right time of course. Heal properly, before you mess up other lives.

This is what I learned today in my life, I might have to hear it over and over and over. But it’s good advice.

Heart Burn.

You see I’ve got this heartburn

You know its’ like…

 Everytime I want to stand out I get heartburn

 But I take a step back.

It’s like everytime I see injustices I get heartburn

But I choke

It’s like everytime I see neglect I get heartburn

But it gets caught up in my throat.

It burns soo deep within

I can’t control it.

I can’t deny it

I can’t stop it.

Let me tell you the feeling…

It’s like my heart starts to palpitate,

my hands get clammy,

and my chest gets red

and I know

I know the heart burn will start again.

Sometimes my heartburn gets so strong

I can envision it.

I see it working in three equal parts.

And it’s inscribed- No, engraved-No, branded

Almost so deep I can feel it sizzle on my heart

Like a fire searing into my flesh

Each part has a name written on it

Jesua…..Szzzz

Ruah……Szzzz

Adonai Elohiem….Szzzz

They make my heart burn

Without their names together

 I could control….this heartburn

I could deny……this heartburn

I could stop…….this heartburn

But i can’t

It’s seared into my heart

and I can’t erase it

I can’t ignore it

I can’t scratch it out

It stings and burns and is constantly attacking my flesh

This heart burn is controlling my life.

It’s becoming difficult to live in this world

No medicine can calm it down

It affects me daily; morning, noon and night

I can’t control it

I can’t deny it

I can’t stop it

This heartburn, it’s killing me

It’s killing my way of living

My thoughts, words and deeds

This heartburn follows me.

Maybe I shouldn’t fight it

Maybe this heartburn is yearning to

 Stand Out

Fight Injustices

and Stop Neglect

Maybe I should just let my

heart

burn.

_______

So, I performed this last night at an open mic. My friend was the main highlight, and she signed me up. I was really nervous because this was a new space. With new people. I was in the minority, and when I spoke my words- they came out alright. I wasn’t the best, but I wasn’t the worst. They are having a slam next month- should I go?

I think today should be the time we start new year resolutions. Right after thanksgiving. I’m thankful for so many things- so now what can I do to keep this grace-filled time. Be healthy and be in communion with other people. So, today is when I’m starting my new new years resolutions.

• Healthy Eating
• Move into Action
• Attempt to not procrastinate
• Thank my Creator more

Yah- I think I can do it. I am not quite sure how I’ve gotten off track- but I have. I’m tired of being apathetic and lazy. I need to get my bum up and do something. Take this moment to clean up my act and shake off the dust. I know I can’t do it by myself. I need people. It’s imperative to my existence. I also need my Creator. Sometimes I get distracted and that’s when I can count on the Creator to draw me back to the right goal. Being chaste. Or right with God. I told me sister the other day, you can’t give to people unless your healthy first. I guess I should take my own advice. It’s hard sometimes. I just would rather give than have people give to me. It’s awkward. I’m attempting to let the Creator love me. It’s awkward. I’d rather just ignore me. But I know if I do that- there will be nothing left to give. For real.

Would you rather give or get?

One day at a time, right?