Home: definitions escape
December 14, 2009
Secret of the Day: I keep daydreaming at night.
I’m not sure if it’s leaking into fantasy and escapism or pondering realities. I think about home and when I’ll be there- and I play scenes in my head. I’m sure you’ve done this. Conversations or activities with real people, imagining the outcomes. Is this a safe activity? I’m not sure. It’s hard to define home though. I wish I could make home all those wonderful things that are delicious and protected and warm; but that would be a real dream. Home does composite some of those aspects but not all. My anxiety does ramp up at times when I think of home. The questions I’ll be asked….by everyone. I fantasies about hanging out with a friend and them not asking me questions. I wish I could go home and just be. Just be me. Not try to live up the expectations of everyone. Not try to be fake or have the right answers. I want to just be present with people I care about. Them not manipulating me and me not manipulating them. When I go back home- it will happen. I’ll attempt to be- but people will pull me into their games. Then it becomes dangerous for me. That’s why I’m only going for a short while. Dangerous for many reasons. Not like life and death; but more like soul life and death. I’ve worked so hard to stand in the confidence my Creator has designed for me- and I don’t want to get knocked out of that spot. Just let me be what my Creator has created me to be. Let me be. That’s all I ask.
Intimacy of the Day: I love my outfit today.
A compilation of leggings under gauchos, with white tank peeking out from a black long sleeve. Added scarf and hat! I couldn’t find the right shoes- apparently even though they from H&M, no one online has a pic of them. They are lace up in the back, flat slouch ankel boots, that zip up on the side. I love them, but I’m wearing them out fast.
